Bit of a shower thought: Outside of limited circumstances, like interviews or therapy, nobody is really expected to give you honest feedback on how you come across.
This sucks. I’ve been told I come across as unfriendly once, but I have no idea if I was just nervous and tired at the time. I still cherish that one moment almost 10 years ago when someone told me I was funny in some corporate team building bs.
Now, I could ask friends and family, but I believe they would probably not tell me the full, honest truth. After all, they (hopefully) like me and I would probably avoid being too harsh to everyone but very close people in private.
At the same time, I know plenty of people who really should get some feedback, who probably believe they are funny while everyone is bored and annoyed and hopes they talk a little less and the like.
So, are there socially accepted ways to get feedback on how you come across?
I realize that people are strange, relationships are hard, P!=NP and anime is not real. Still, it would be nice to have.
You sure you’re not neurodivergent? This is a very neurodivergent train of thought ngl.
Dawg every time I try to get honest feedback, people just butter me up and downplay my bad behaviors instead of just telling me. He’s a real one not neurodivergent.
One needs to talk with mature confidants, not just people who don’t know oneself well. They’ll be far likelier to tell you what’s up.
How does one know if another is mature enough to give truthful and honest feedback? Furthermore, how does one discern if said feedback is actually truthful and honest?
Feels like a simple problem, but the underlying social logistics is quite intricate.
Oh, come on, surely you know the answers to these. Nonetheless, I’ll humor you:
How does one know if another is mature enough to give truthful and honest feedback?
See how they provide feedback to/about other people. How accurate are they? Have they been proven wrong? What is their track record? If it’s consistently good, then that’s kind of a really strong voucher, no?
Furthermore, how does one discern if said feedback is actually truthful and honest?
Same as above; did you agree with their assessments of others based on the info you yourself have of those subjects? Can you verify that everything, or at least most of what, they said is correct? If they’re consistently exhibiting honesty, then why is there any reason to doubt it with you?
You neutrally build a case proving or disproving their maturity and trustworthiness. It’s almost scientific!
I understand, one can manufacture a playbook to analyze an individual, just like the one you provided for my two questions.
Still, the problem remains, as it is with most human interactions, there’s no objective answer, it all varies based on human nature and the environment involved.
What is their track record? If it’s consistently good, then that’s kind of a really strong voucher, no?
Indeed It is an indication, but it does not guarantee an absolute answer like: Helium is heavier than Hydrogen; a fact that can’t be disputed.
Can you verify that everything, or at least most of what, they said is correct?
True, you can do that, but if one is asking for another’s opinion, it is hard to evaluate it yourself, there’s bias all around us, more so when we are not aware of it.
I understand your approach, and maybe I’m being a bit pedantic, but I can’t see how this isn’t a really complex problem, with no exact solution.
Social anxiety is not neurodivergent. It’s more unusual to NOT think about how you are perceived. Asking the internet because you don’t trust people to be honest with you, though…
Me being whatever I am does not change the validity of the question. Many presumably neurotypical people could really do with some honest mirror of how they come across. Yet the presumably on-average-neurotypical peers don’t say anything out of politeness or other reasons.
And I ask here for the same reason I don’t ask IRL friends: we are all anonymous strangers here, nobody knows me enough to not tell me my idea is stupid, and I don’t know anyone enough to be offended by being told it is stupid.
nobody knows me enough to not tell me my idea is stupid
What about the possibility that nobody here thinks your idea is stupid? I certainly don’t. I think feedback is extremely important and that this is a great question (which can only be solved by first having close, mature friends, and asking them).
Sorry, you misunderstand me, I think: I meant I am posting here, exactly because nobody here knows me well enough to really care about my feelings. So, if what I say is stupid, a random anonymous stranger is more likely to tell me than a friend. Bit of a meta question thing, I know.
For the actual question, it’s kind of the same: an irl friend is at least a bit biased towards not trying to hurt my feelings. I know I do at least, if a friend asked me how he came across, I’d be inclined to be at least a bit diplomatic. Which is why I am looking for other ideas.
So, if what I say is stupid, a random anonymous stranger is more likely to tell me than a friend.
Ohhhhh. See, I was making a specific distinction between in-person strangers versus online strangers. In person is a lot trickier to get rude over, so I had meant that those such people will try to be polite and downplay stuff (on average, anyway; I know there are Karens). Contrast that with people online and, because we feel safe via the guise of anonymity, we’ll brutally say whatever the @#$% we want, hahaha!
However, I still think a mature friend in person is best. The friend you asked is not mature if they’re not giving an accurate portrayal of the situation (that they should already have had info on/the experience of).