I haven’t had an online or in-person friend in maybe 2 years. I had a friend maybe a few years ago that I drifted away from due to us losing interest. It’s really wearing on me. The only person outside my family that I speak to often is an old bud, but that’s limited to sharing memes and not much else. I’m in a place where I want to branch out to others but… they may reject me, lose interest in me, not treat my feelings with respect, or confront and dominate me. That fear entirely spoils any motivation I have to talk to new people. It just feels like any interaction I might have will place me in a worse state than I already am, which is kind of like a neutral zone. I always feel funny because it’s like I’m dying of thirst but am scared of water.
Thing is, as we grow we learn. You have actually upskilled a heap! You just listed off a heap of qualities that you don’t appreciate in a companion, that’s knowledge! And right now you have successfully learned that, and gotten away from every person who gave you an example of those qualities. You are so much more capable than you are giving yourself credit for. You absolutely have power to walk away from someone when you notice those traits. Start slow. Notice your feelings and listen to them. But also remember to say how you’re feeling and if you notice people keep doing the things you talk to them about making you uncomfortable, then it’s just time to walk away. Then you will have gained more experience and knowledge, some fun times, and you will at worst only be exactly where you are now. Right now you have time to contemplate and really listen to your inner self. Just make sure you’re listening to you and not anxiety, you are not your anxiety. Anxiety is just an overactive self protection mechanism, that means well, but it can get super ott.