I want to joke with you and just say that stuff is overrated anyway. Because it is. But I’ll go on to say, Pressure to hold up to a standard, is never honest. Ultimately you want to be happy with who you are, not trying to be something else. Maybe you can’t find your way Because you lost who you are, along the way, trying to fit in? Maybe the way forwards was always the way back. Just give what you got, you’ll find the people who appreciate it. Helpful?

I’m trialing that, you aren’t your thoughts, (you aren’t your emotions or the meat suit you’re in) you are the entity that observes. So noticing my thoughts. That, plus, rumination being a fight or flight system being activated, that’s trying to save you, I remind it that it isn’t saving me. (But I don’t think that second part is a healthy attempt to dissolve it). I get so fed up with it playing in my head, getting louder and louder, repeating my mistakes, I used to swear at it. But that can become problematic. But it crushes my self worth! And gives me crushing social anxiety. So I need it to stop.

The patient way is calming down your nervous system and doing some nervous system regulation, just stuff that deactivates your fight or flight and tells your nervous system you are safe, crisis averted. Being conscious of things that activate your nervous system, like rushing, not resting, distracting yourself from reality all the time (cough cough, my phone addiction cough cough), making sure your needs are met, etc. Just taking a minute to be, just exist, is actually super powerful in telling your nervous system you’re safe, doing it more often here and there, can be powerful enough to rewire stress levels. That’s meditation / mindfulness, if someone had told me the why, earlier, I’d have taken all of that stuff way more seriously.

So, in short, a little bit of something regulating, depending on my mood and option availability at the time.

I say to myself, I notice I’m doing that thinking thing again. Take some deep breaths, stare at some pretty scenery or the sky, notice how my feet feel touching the earth, remind myself I’m safe, and capable, don’t need to worry about that any more. Stare at something pretty a little more.

Oooh, yeah, rumination is a demon I’m currently trying to exorcise. And absolutely great reminder that those thoughts can trigger those emotions. They do! You get in this fight or flight feed back loop, emotions trigger the thoughts, thoughts trigger the emotions. AND I’ve just recently learned you can just get in the habit of doing it, with absolutely no trigger, you just always go into fight or flight, just for the reason, that you always do. Rumination is mostly habit! Blew my mind learning that. It’s a form of ocd. It certainly takes a high level of nervous system regulation, to battle it.

Please ignore the down votes. They don’t count for anything. You could say the most intelligent thing a human has ever said on this earth, and you would still get a couple of downvotes. People are such a beautiful kaleidoscope of differing talents and likes and dislikes, it makes for a beautiful and rich world, full of beautiful art, (and ugly art) and things. But part of that beauty is those vast and many beautiful things mean there’s going to be some people who don’t feel your vibe, which sucks, but theres gotta be that yin and yang balance, little bit of bad in the good. And if the trade off was less expanses of creativity and original thought, for never being disliked, I would not choose that option.

So every time someone dislikes me, or down votes, irl or online, I remember that little bit of bad is part of being able to access so much beauy in expansive thought and creativity, and I look for my people, those down voters, just aren’t my people, no ill will! If I see something down voted that I don’t agree should be down voted, I up vote it. Stick around, keep commenting, give more credence to those who actually give constructive advice, than a button press, that’s super low effort, and might have even been accidental!

I appreciate the people who come in with receipts, it really gives a vibe that critical thinking is worth the effort, which is something that, I feel, is super important in nowadays and times.

I’ve come across one or two grumpy gus’ who seem mostly unhappy with their lives, or incapable of changing their mind, even if all evidence contradicting what their original brain blip stated.

But it’s gunna be a mix like that. Because we are a subset of people, using this site. I tell my kids all the time, people fill the same pie chart of behaviours, regardless of what culture, place they come from or belief’s they have, there’s always a tiny percentage of dickheads, that seem more because they’re very loud or intrusive. That have a very sad life, with no ability to grow wisdom or enjoy things around them, which is sad!

When I first came here from reddit a few years ago (I had to change instances etc, and I’m not as tech savvy as most people here) I was super sensitive and raw, from all the bruising reddit gave out. It’s getting a little salve, being here.

I love the humour here! I’ve been so tempted to tell everyone how much I laughed at their humour! I go and read comments first before articles, for 2 reasons because there’s just comedy gold everywhere. And most of the time the people explain the article better than the article explains the things, the people here are so smart! Theres so many people who explain things like they already know that industry intimately and in great depth. This is such a great place to learn, it’s given me some great inspiration to deep dive into subjects.

The user base here seems rather worldly balanced, too. And they’ll drop their impressions of a thing from the view of their culture, which I could not appreciate more!

This is a brilliant place, with wonderful people who might be having a bad day, here and there, as we all do. I really hope you can find your groove, and not let the turkeys get you down.

That’s huge, my friend! You absolutely turned your life around! Well done! That’s absolutely immense, I’m so proud of you! That’s a lot to fight through, you must be very proud of an achievement like that!

I am so sorry your wife had such a negatively impactful childhood. That’s really heavy. Good on her for not forcing herself to do something that might cause distress, and listening and honouring how she feels. I bet she’ll find another way to find clarity. Maybe just talking with you is just as helpful, you sound like you have a very close and supportive relationship.

I absolutely agree. Our motivations are what we build ourselves into. What we see and focus on can become those motivations. If you see the glass half empty, that’s all you’ll notice, all the time. If you see the glass half full, you will find those silver linings more often.

It’s like when you buy a yellow car and then all of a sudden it seems like theres yellow cars everywhere, but theres the same number as before, you’ve just shifted your focus.

Theres a moment where you decide what your life focus is, maybe it’s always having better stuff than the Joneses, or maybe it’s living up to others standards, or maybe it’s finding balance and harmony in yourself and those around you. You can change your focus at any time, if you notice it’s drifted. I’m sorry your parents didn’t seem able to shift theirs as such. But go you for breaking that cycle!

Well done, for managing such a tricky situation so well! Absolute props to you!

The reason that worked is fascinating too, I love this stuff. When your fight or flight activates, it shuts down your thinking brain, so reactivating your thinking brain, is a cheat code to deactivating fight or flight.

Advice taken from influencers, doesn’t discredit the advice, they’re likely trying to get you to buy something, just don’t buy the thing. Whatever you can find to help you when you’re drowning, is useful. Don’t make perfect the enemy of good enough to suffice.

I absolutely object to that train of thought, in my opinion depression needs a tool belt, a very individualised tool belt. You throw everything at it, every tool you can find, until you find the combination that fits you. In Australia our medications are $7 a pack, and it’s illegal for doctors to get kickbacks from companies (had to look that last one up because my dad fell down that hole, ugh). I am so sorry your health system has become so hard to access, in which case, find all the tools available to you and do the best with what you have.

I absolutely object to that train of thought, in my opinion depression needs a tool belt, a very individualised tool belt. You throw everything at it, every tool you can find, until you find the combination that fits you. In Australia our medications are $7 a pack, and it’s illegal for doctors to get kickbacks from companies (had to look that last one up because my dad fell down that hole, ugh). I am so sorry your health system has become so hard to access, in which case, find all the tools available to you and do the best with what you have.

I absolutely get you. And it should not be understated how immensely hard that is to do. Start small and practice. Start with the small emotions.

It’s like how soldiers train repeatedly so when their fight or flight systems activate in a war zone, their muscle memory takes over and they don’t freeze, they can keep going. The more you practice, the better you get at anything. This one is a hugely hard one. The more you practice, the smaller the bigger emotions become. Emotions are an emergency alarm system, and if it thinks you didn’t hear the alarm, it gets louder and louder, until it’s crippling. So the more you practice, the less often you get hit with the crippling emotions.

Nice!

All emotions are valid. All emotions are ok. All emotions are allowed space, and necessary. All emotions just want to be heard. All emotions are a message / alert from your nervous system. The meaning doesn’t matter in first noticing emotions. You are not your emotions, you are not your thoughts. You are the entity that observes them both.

Your thoughts and emotions are not in any way connected parts of your brain. Any time your thoughts try and tell you they know what your emotions are about, those thoughts are guessing. So acknowledging or validating emotions doesn’t need to be a thinking process. Validating or acknowledging emotions is just the opposite of suppressing or bottling emotions. Emotions don’t need to come outward of your body. (Although completing the stress cycle after feelings large enough to activate your fight or flight, can be useful and that does involve moving your body)

They just want to be noticed. It’s an alarm system, even if it’s not about an alert, that emotional response system still wants to know you heard it. Or it gets louder.

So, if you can, stop and turn your attention inwards and notice how you’re feeling. The more often you do this, the more you start to feel and differentiate your emotions. Because when you’re in the practice of suppressing emotions, which we can be socially taught to do, they can be hard to notice, it just all feels like noise.

Emotions sit in your body. They are a tightening of muscles and structures, etc here and there. That all together form a signal, for each emotion, in the range of emotions.

When noticing how you feel, it can be helpful to scan your body to notice where those emotions sit.

After noticing emotions, thank your emotional system for the message (which will cause an emotional reaction of thanks) to help move past the emotion, and let it dissolve naturally. Completing the cycle.

The more you practise the better you get at it. I am absolutely learning all this stuff myself because I had an inability to connect with my emotions. I notice it can be really hard to remember to do all that stuff, when big feelings hit, it’s so tempting to get caught up in a spiral and just constantly reactivate those emotions. But I suppose practise makes perfect, I’ll get there.

Can be helpful to learn some breathing techniques that send signals to your body (and emotional system) that it’s safe right now, no dinosaurs chasing you, or monsters under the bed, you checked.

I’ve had some pretty severe childhood trauma, and I didn’t know about bpd when I was younger (like 20’s), but I feel like looking back I could easily have ticked those credentials (of having bpd). I’ve just spent so much time working on myself and trying to help myself with the big emotions and things that cropped up in my life that felt uncomfortable.

Bpd is essentially survival mechanisms you developed in childhood that get kinda stuck, and they definitely don’t serve you in adulthood. None of it is your fault, and all of it is trauma.

I had absolutely no sense of self or self worth, or self esteem, and I would attach to toxic abusive people, expecting them to feed me this sense of self etc, but all they did was break me more. I found, those people I attached to, were always toxic, and it’s because they feel familiar to the upbringing you had (not saying this is you). Just that it’s common to find what’s familiar. So if you grew up in a toxic home, and you try to escape, and then you end up choosing, subconsciously, similar people, because theres this safety in the danger you know. You survived the danger you knew. So it feels like a safe option. Yeah, I know, don’t expect brains to be smart, they’re not, they just calculate odds of survival.

Let me tell you some things I enjoyed learning on my journey to finding myself. You are not your emotions. You are not your thoughts, you are not your meat suit. You are the entity that observes all of that. And it can feel all consuming, when those emotions burn so hot, it’s really hard to step back. And it’s hard to feel safe. It feels like your world is spiralling out of control and your chest is so tight you don’t feel like you can survive this emotion, and you would do almost anything for release.

But release never comes from the places that burned you in the first place.

All those big emotions, they’re a communication from a part of your brain that is entirely non verbal, it is just designed to notice a need or danger, and help you survive it. And it gets a super work out, when you have lived through trauma, so it’s a little super powered.

The trick to it is to learn how to turn off your fight or flight that’s making you feel like clinging to that person is the only solve to those huge emotions.

I’ll bet you are amazingly attentive and intensely focused and great at looking after those people you fixate on. Why not turn those superpowers back on yourself. Start by noticing. It sounds silly, but those emotions get louder and louder because they feel like they are warning you of a danger AND they feel like you don’t hear them. So notice them. Stop where you are, place a kind hand on your chest and say, I notice I’m feeling some big feelings right now. And then turn all of those attentive superpowers on filling your needs, no matter how small, for the rest of the day (and always, but start there). Have you eaten, do you need to rest, is your clothing comfortable, are you thirsty, does your soul need a song and dance, do you need your favourite cup and a nice view. Take some time to pamper yourself and really look after yourself, until you’re feeling a little better.

Then start doing all that stuff without the big feelings, just all day every day.

You get to spend the most time on this earth with yourself, no matter how long a relationship you end up in, nothing else comes close, so make that the best relationship of all, and everything else just falls in place. You got this, I believe in you.

Prolanolol, side effect from the aim at reducing migraines. You can try Physiological sigh, they’re great at completing the stress cycle. Detoxing from light sources for a couple of hours before sleep. No screens, dim all lights. Theres one where you tense every muscle, hold and then relax and imagine its super super relaxed, one at a time, all the way from feet to head.

Personally I have to listen to a show that’s just interesting enough to keep my attention and not too interesting that it’ll keep me awake to see what happens. (And without a super boppy intro outro, or it’ll wake me back up.) I can sit there for hours and not sleep, trying without a show, turn a show on and I’m out in less than 5 minutes. It’s insane.

Thing is, as we grow we learn. You have actually upskilled a heap! You just listed off a heap of qualities that you don’t appreciate in a companion, that’s knowledge! And right now you have successfully learned that, and gotten away from every person who gave you an example of those qualities. You are so much more capable than you are giving yourself credit for. You absolutely have power to walk away from someone when you notice those traits. Start slow. Notice your feelings and listen to them. But also remember to say how you’re feeling and if you notice people keep doing the things you talk to them about making you uncomfortable, then it’s just time to walk away. Then you will have gained more experience and knowledge, some fun times, and you will at worst only be exactly where you are now. Right now you have time to contemplate and really listen to your inner self. Just make sure you’re listening to you and not anxiety, you are not your anxiety. Anxiety is just an overactive self protection mechanism, that means well, but it can get super ott.

And so endeth the lesson

He looks less evil, with those eyes.

Ugh, rumination!! Absolute bane of my existence! If I’m left alone with my thoughts, they go supernova on this shit. Apparently it’s a fight or flight mechanism? Or at least it’s trying to protect you, but it doesn’t, it just sends me into a spiral. I used to swear at it, but then I started swearing (at myself) in public (oops!) So I had to stop doing that.

But I’ve had so much trauma in my life, my brain has picked rumination as a way to “not get into an incident like that again, if we micro analyse every nee and old interaction” so I’m working on letting my nervous system know that doesn’t keep me safe, that’s actually putting me in danger, (it’ll break my self worth and sense of self, so much I won’t be able to socialise at all, or send me into overwhelm and distress). And i do a Physiological sigh. Mostly working so far.