An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys. They’re ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I’m not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I’ve frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it’s something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she’d be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she’d have to bring the kids along.
I don’t want to be a dick but I’m really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I’m really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
Just tell her you don’t want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you’re even remotely interested in being her friend.
I’m not a fan of kids either. But hey…guess what? Not being willing to put on your big boy pants and suck it up for an hour is the very definition of “being a selfish asshole”.
The fact that the first thing you talk about is how those kids are “going to be the focus of the occasion” (your words), shows that what you lack isn’t “enthusiasm about catching up with someone”. What you lack is basic human empathy.
Why waste time spending time with someone you don’t care about?
If it was a friend, that’d be a different story. The kids aren’t even a part of the decision here.
One of the things that absolutely sucks donkey balls about being a new parent is that half your friends just totally ghost you and done want to deal with the complications of your kids, which it sounds like your friend is dealing with.
Definitely hanging out in a coffee shop with a bored toddler is not a recipe for a good time, which I guess your friend has not discovered hard enough yet. The other person suggesting hanging out at a park instead is on to something. Or just anywhere else where the kid has something to do besides sit down and shut up, which generally they won’t.
She’s gonna think you’re an asshole. Who cares what we think?
yeah
She’s handling two kids under five years old?
You’re not ‘showing up for coffee’ you’re providing a needed mental health break.
Exactly this. People will have kids then expect other people to help out because “it takes a village”. Fuck that, figure out who’s willing to be in your village, THEN have kids.
I’m having a hard time understanding how self centered some people are. You can be uncomfortable with their kids and still enjoy their company.
I don’t know a single parent who “figures out their village” before having kids. If anything, having kids sheds the selfish dipshits like you.
You don’t know anyone who figures out their village before having kids…but childfree people are the selfish ones. Yeah, that makes sense.
Childfree people aren’t selfish. People who hate children for existing are though. No one is forcing you to have kids. False victim hood bullshit.
Never said I hated children, but keep pushing your false narrative to feel good about yourself.
Finding a village first implies you are not part of the village. Yah probably hate kids lol.
You’re not wrong for wanting to avoid a situation because of the potential of screaming children, but it’s important to remember that, with parents, it’s a package deal. To avoid overstimulation, try and go to a park for the first meeting. Like get coffee and go to a place with a playground where the toddler can run wild, and the 6 month can be in a stroller or rocker. Being outside vs bring in a building where screams can echo, makes a big difference.
Something that helps me hang-outs with my friends who have kids, is remembering that screaming children are inevitable… but most of the time, I’m not enjoying the company of my friends alongside the random, misbehaving ones. This time, you can make a friend.
This is the way.
Getting a toddler to sit quietly for an extended period is hard. You are either listening to them, or entertaining them; a lot of parents, these days, use a smartphone for this.
You may not be an AH, but you don’t sound that interested in being actual friends. Don’t bother wasting her time.
You’re an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:
she’s had two babies by two different guys.
Just admit you’re not friends. That’s fine and doesn’t make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.
You’re fine. I used to think I hated kids until my friends had kids who were awesome and I realized that I hate bad parents. These kids are too young for anything to imprint. You’re right that they’ll dominate the conversation out of necessity. You don’t want to put yourself in such a situation for someone on your periphery of interest and that’s fine.
People complain that you’re a bad person for not being terribly interested in her life, but she’s not a part of yours and you’re entertaining the idea that maybe you could have a nice time. As an introvert, I think you’re doing a good job of remaining open to the possibility that there could be a solid friendship forming. Even if not that, at least it might be a nice time once.
Others are being assholes. You’re fine.
I don’t have advice for how to position that you only want to meet one on one, but I don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting that. It’s not like I would want my buddy’s 14yo kid to come to record night this weekend. He’s a nice kid, but this is time for the middle-aged men to hang out.
Yes you’re the AH. Even taking the kids out of the equation and you’re framing this as what you can get out of this meeting. That’s not a friend. Why not just say no.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I’m not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I’ve frankly not thought about in a few years.
Yeah sod what the other party thinks s as long as you’re getting something out of it. I see this as wasting her time on someone who isn’t appreciative of it.
Also, why mention baby daddies?
Yes you’re the AH.
I’m pretty sure there is a rule on the internet that if someone starts with this, at least the person saying it is an AH.
That’s not a friend.
that’s quite obvious, mr entitled parent, they are acquintances. facebook has destroyed people’s vocabulary.
Why not just say no.
because why not be in touch with old classmates or colleagues sometimes? you don’t have to decline just because they are not a friend! and people say it’s me who is “anti-social”
Also, why mention baby daddies?
wat?
You do realise that when OP said “AITA?” it means am I the asshole?. Acceptable answers to this would be yes or no.
Anything outside of that is my opinion provided on a post asking for our opinions. Seems you’ve taken offence to this and that says more about you than me pal.
Edit: this is why I like to preach positive intent as had you’d done that you not be calling me out for giving my opinion on a post it was explicitly asked for.
This is hilarious, you’re so dumb.
I think you’d be an asshole for accepting an invite to visit with someone you clearly don’t care about anymore who also now has infant/children who you don’t want to see.
In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys.
Flavor text, or judgemental? If you disapprove of her life choices possibly quite strongly, then yes please don’t bother this woman.
Anyways, you won’t an asshole if you just let that already dead friendship stay dead. I dislike children enough to seek out sterilization, so I get it.
Seek out like-minded friends instead and you’ll be all good.
I can only keep up the charade around my niece and nephew for our bi-monthly supper visits. I’m a good uncle for ~6-12 hours a month lol that’s my limit.
Yes and you’re not her friend.
If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you’re both better off if you cancel this appointment.
It sure sounds like OP needs to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention
IMO, it reads more like “I haven’t been properly socialized, I’m mostly a hermit, and I get easily overstimulated with regular human interaction and experiences” so I tried being kind because OP is certainly afflicted with the tisms. I mean, just posting this thread showed us OP is far away from regular humanity…
I get where you’re coming from but it sounds like a cop-out to me. The OP reads more like “I can’t handle frustration and not being the center of attention” than “i’m neuro-divergent”.
But of course that’s just interpretation from a few lines of text so…
If this is it then OP should just offer to get coffee to-go and go for a walk or sit in a nearby park, perhaps with a playground. Then they wouldn’t have to worry about bothering others. A coffee shop seems like a boring place for a 3 year old.
My assumption is that there is a chance (not sure how large) that kids could be restless and need constant attention, and then it would suck for OP and is a bit much to expect someone you barely know to meet up just for that.
But I think there’s a chance that the young one will just sleep, and the older one could occupy themselves at the playground or even with a tablet or something. Then it should only be a minor hassle for the OP.
Maybe OP could just ask the person if they think they’ll be able to actually talk or if the kids will need constant attention.
I don’t know your culture, but where I live people who meet pay attention to each other. we call this “respect” and “being interested”
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn’t mean she’s not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP’s deal (and yours, apparently)
It’s not the “doesn’t like kids” aspect that makes them the asshole. Hell, I don’t like kids. It’s the “I’m competing for that person’s 100% attention” when I “grace them with my presence” mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn’t mean she’s not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP’s deal (and yours, apparently)
well its fortunate if all the kid needs is an occasional wipe
I “grace them with my presence” mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
honestly I did not see it as if OP were pretending to be some kind of a higher level individual.
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn’t mean she’s not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP’s deal (and yours, apparently)
well its fortunate if all the kid needs is an occasional wipe
I “grace them with my presence” mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
honestly I did not see it as if OP were pretending to be some kind of a higher level individual.
Well that’s exactly my point. If you’re ready to compete for attention with a newborn and a toddler, I’d say you’re not approaching the situation with respect and genuine interest for the other adult.
who said this is a competition? this makes no sense. respect is not a one way street. if the parent can’t pay attention to the person they wanted to meet with, that’s not quite respectful. your initial comment indicates clearly that OP does not deserve attention and respect in your opinion, and that it is only OP (who was given the offer) who must pay attention to their partner
who said this is a competition? this makes no sense
OP made it a competition. They haven’t even arrived, they don’t even know the kids in question, but they’re already calculating whether they will siphon off attention away from them. That screams immaturity to me.
your initial comment indicates clearly that OP does not deserve attention and respect in your opinion
My comment says nothing of the sort, and i am sorry if it can be interpreted that way.
Let me rephrase it : OP sounds super high-maintenance. If i am meeting with another adult, it’s not to baby-sit them. It’s not to always be wondering whether i am giving them enough affirmation, or whether they are getting agitated because they feel i’m not focused 100% on them. That’s what kids are for.
That is not to say you should meet with someone and completely ignore them. But when adults meet, there’s this tacit understanding that everybody’s got their own shit going on, and there may be the odd interruption or the occasional shift of focus. Your work phone may ring. A kid may get hurt and need a hug. Hell, maybe someone from your Minecraft group hits you up on Discord for some urgent topic. I don’t give a shit, i’m not the center of the universe, and i can look at my phone for 10 minutes while you get your stuff out of the way. Apparently OP is wildly unprepared for this kind of completely normal and benign situation.
Let me rephrase it : OP sounds super high-maintenance. If i am meeting with another adult, it’s not to baby-sit them. It’s not to always be wondering whether i am giving them enough affirmation, or whether they are getting agitated because they feel i’m not focused 100% on them.
I don’t think OP’s problem is the lack of affirmation. I think their concern is somewhat similar to the meeting partner starting to browse social media on their phone, but here not because of bordedom or addiction but because the children needs attention, which is just how children work naturally, with varying frequency. and so, I think it’s not about whether the partner actively participates, but whether they are listening or if they are distracted so you are basically talking to a wall.
but you know what, I realized that I don’t have enough information to know what OP thinks, and maybe I’m just trying to put into words how I see it.
That is not to say you should meet with someone and completely ignore them. But when adults meet, there’s this tacit understanding that everybody’s got their own shit going on, and there may be the odd interruption or the occasional shift of focus. Your work phone may ring. A kid may get hurt and need a hug. Hell, maybe someone from your Minecraft group hits you up on Discord for some urgent topic. I don’t give a shit, i’m not the center of the universe, and i can look at my phone for 10 minutes while you get your stuff out of the way.
hmm I see. I think these are fine, shit happens, and these don’t have a very high probability of happening either anyway. but (without much experience) I feel that with 2 very young kids as in OP’s situation, the distractions could easily be frequent, and that is why I think he is right to decline the offer
