An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys. They’re ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I’m not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I’ve frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it’s something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she’d be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she’d have to bring the kids along.
I don’t want to be a dick but I’m really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I’m really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you’re both better off if you cancel this appointment.
It sure sounds like OP needs to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention
IMO, it reads more like “I haven’t been properly socialized, I’m mostly a hermit, and I get easily overstimulated with regular human interaction and experiences” so I tried being kind because OP is certainly afflicted with the tisms. I mean, just posting this thread showed us OP is far away from regular humanity…
I get where you’re coming from but it sounds like a cop-out to me. The OP reads more like “I can’t handle frustration and not being the center of attention” than “i’m neuro-divergent”.
But of course that’s just interpretation from a few lines of text so…
If this is it then OP should just offer to get coffee to-go and go for a walk or sit in a nearby park, perhaps with a playground. Then they wouldn’t have to worry about bothering others. A coffee shop seems like a boring place for a 3 year old.
My assumption is that there is a chance (not sure how large) that kids could be restless and need constant attention, and then it would suck for OP and is a bit much to expect someone you barely know to meet up just for that.
But I think there’s a chance that the young one will just sleep, and the older one could occupy themselves at the playground or even with a tablet or something. Then it should only be a minor hassle for the OP.
Maybe OP could just ask the person if they think they’ll be able to actually talk or if the kids will need constant attention.
I don’t know your culture, but where I live people who meet pay attention to each other. we call this “respect” and “being interested”
You realize that most functional adults have the ability to focus on more than one person at a time right? Just because mom is taking a moment to wipe some spit off of babies face doesn’t mean she’s not listening to the person on the other side of the table. And the idea of that seems to be exactly the OP’s deal (and yours, apparently)
It’s not the “doesn’t like kids” aspect that makes them the asshole. Hell, I don’t like kids. It’s the “I’m competing for that person’s 100% attention” when I “grace them with my presence” mentality of the post that makes them the asshole.
well its fortunate if all the kid needs is an occasional wipe
honestly I did not see it as if OP were pretending to be some kind of a higher level individual.
well its fortunate if all the kid needs is an occasional wipe
honestly I did not see it as if OP were pretending to be some kind of a higher level individual.
Well that’s exactly my point. If you’re ready to compete for attention with a newborn and a toddler, I’d say you’re not approaching the situation with respect and genuine interest for the other adult.
who said this is a competition? this makes no sense. respect is not a one way street. if the parent can’t pay attention to the person they wanted to meet with, that’s not quite respectful. your initial comment indicates clearly that OP does not deserve attention and respect in your opinion, and that it is only OP (who was given the offer) who must pay attention to their partner
OP made it a competition. They haven’t even arrived, they don’t even know the kids in question, but they’re already calculating whether they will siphon off attention away from them. That screams immaturity to me.
My comment says nothing of the sort, and i am sorry if it can be interpreted that way.
Let me rephrase it : OP sounds super high-maintenance. If i am meeting with another adult, it’s not to baby-sit them. It’s not to always be wondering whether i am giving them enough affirmation, or whether they are getting agitated because they feel i’m not focused 100% on them. That’s what kids are for.
That is not to say you should meet with someone and completely ignore them. But when adults meet, there’s this tacit understanding that everybody’s got their own shit going on, and there may be the odd interruption or the occasional shift of focus. Your work phone may ring. A kid may get hurt and need a hug. Hell, maybe someone from your Minecraft group hits you up on Discord for some urgent topic. I don’t give a shit, i’m not the center of the universe, and i can look at my phone for 10 minutes while you get your stuff out of the way. Apparently OP is wildly unprepared for this kind of completely normal and benign situation.
I don’t think OP’s problem is the lack of affirmation. I think their concern is somewhat similar to the meeting partner starting to browse social media on their phone, but here not because of bordedom or addiction but because the children needs attention, which is just how children work naturally, with varying frequency. and so, I think it’s not about whether the partner actively participates, but whether they are listening or if they are distracted so you are basically talking to a wall.
but you know what, I realized that I don’t have enough information to know what OP thinks, and maybe I’m just trying to put into words how I see it.
hmm I see. I think these are fine, shit happens, and these don’t have a very high probability of happening either anyway. but (without much experience) I feel that with 2 very young kids as in OP’s situation, the distractions could easily be frequent, and that is why I think he is right to decline the offer