I met someone autistic, had no clue they were until they mentioned it months later. That got me questioning what autism actually is. Then fast forward a couple weeks after I had a major meltdown which got me to question myself and really dig deep into autism, it became my special interest for a while.
I could not stop reading about it. Eventually, I read Look Me In The Eye by John Elder Robison which made me bawl my eyes out many times because he was me. I had never read anything that I connected with so deeply.
I also started realizing how much energy I spent masking without even knowing I was doing it. The pieces all started falling into place as I looked back at my life as a child. I started asking my mother questions about how I was as a kid and my mind was blown. There’s no way my behaviour as a kid would not have been diagnosed as autism had I been born later but we didn’t really know back then. Autism was way less understood, basically if you weren’t non-verbal, you weren’t autistic. I had seen a therapist as a kid who suspected I had an anxiety disorder because of my tics and stimming but it was much deeper than that.
My diagnosed-autistic boyfriend mentioned it to me. I researched it, the label fit. Took the online quizzes, started adapting some of the suggested coping strategies/‘life hacks’ and they helped.
Then I realized that maybe all the comfortable, ‘normal’ engineering nerd college friends I fit in with were less neurotypical than I thought. Other friends that had formal diagnoses told me that I felt autistic to them. We flock, you know. Later, I mentioned it to my therapist and she was like “yeah, you seem autistic to me”.
I was a psych undergrad, but never really made any friends there. All my friends were nuclear engineering students.
I was my therapist’s PHD thesis. I was like 48. Up to that point everyone knew I was a bit odd, but couldn’t put their finger on it. (Though I do have a lifelong Major Depression diagnosis, so most people just figured I’m a lune.)
Weird, this sounds like me but I’m only 26. Major Depression and “a bit odd” is a good way to put it. Would you be willing to share any more detail about the process?
Still waiting on my assessment.
I was working in a school with a lot of differnt courses. I’ve come across a few like “working with Nerodivergence” things just clicked.
I asked a colleague if this behaviors list was accurate as it could apply to anyone. They asked why I thought that. because all there are things i do and I’m not… oh.
omg, I was at a farmer’s market one day with my ex. We went up to a tent that was selling these little toys that were basically cubes with different fidget tools on each end, like a light switch, buttons, a spinning volume-like knob, etc. I asked the lady what they were for. She said that autistic kids really like them. I played with it for a few seconds and responded, “Man, those autistic kids really know what’s up.” I then bought one for me and one for my ex’s 7 y/o nephew. He loved it! Like a year later, I find out I’m autistic, so I go into the deep dive of learning about autism and find out that autistic kids often flap their hands when they’re excited. Guess who else did that? My ex’s nephew.
Another incident was when I was at my friend’s house and saw his 3 y/o daughter walking on her toes. I pointed it out, and the mom said, “Yeah, she got that from [the father’s] side of the family. 😮💨” I said, “Hmm…I get it. I used to walk like that, too. It hurts to hit your heel on the ground and provides for better shock absorption.” About 3 months later, the father tells me he’s autistic.
I was so oblivious!! 🤦 😆
My son was diagnosed before he even turned 3 and his younger sister was being assessed, both of them are non-verbal. What I was learning about it put so many things from my entire childhood and youth in perspective and everything finally made sense, so I consulted and sure enough was diagnosed myself. My parents refused to accept it, they said I’m making excuses to not act “normally” and have cut all contact. I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don’t deserve that.
My parents refused to accept it, they said I’m making excuses to not act “normally” and have cut all contact.
That’s about them. I wonder what is up with that because it seems so irrational to me. Perhaps they feel guilty, embarrassed, or something and can’t handle it, so it’s safer for them to blame you and the entire medical community than accept any sort of feelings related to it. Still, it’s so messed up.
I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don’t deserve that.
That’s great! I’m happy to hear you’re taking it in a healthy manner and protecting your kids ❤️
It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can’t I make really social connection that aren’t just surface level. And why can’t I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can’t stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can’t i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, “Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol”
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can’t make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can’t say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven’t been tested yet but honestly it’s so I can’t be as doubtful of myself. I swear I’ll struggle through a social situation and come home and go “hmmmm I’m not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don’t have autism and am just faking it”. He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.
A long time I experienced myself as “normal”. It didn’t occur to me, that “all the others are weird” can’t be right. While reading about ADHD a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) “You most certainly are autistic”. Eventually I had enough of it and looked it up. The Wikipidia article convinced me blazingly fast (“wrong planet syndrome”) and I got diagnosed within half a year by the age of 34 (i.e. 8 years ago by the time of writing).
It didn’t occur to me, that “all the others are weird” can’t be right.
It hadn’t occurred to me until right now when I read that 🤦
a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) “You most certainly are autistic”.
Did you ever discussed it with him after you got your diagnosis? What do you think was up with his confidently wrong assessment?
My mental health has been slowly degrading over the last 20 years. But when something changes very slowly I always wonder “did it really change?”. Also when I am depressed it feels like I have allways been depressed. So for a long time I didn’t do anything about it and just tried to function. Our neighbours, who are also friends are social workers and they work with autistic people who can not live without help but are mostly independent. They once let slip that they think I could be autistic. When everything got so bad that I finally couldn’t procrastinate looking for therapy any more I had an initial talk with a psychologist. They asked some questions we were talking about many aspects of my life when I told them about the theory. Next thing they told me was: “This must be diagnosed before you start any kind of therapy because the therapy would need to be completely different depending on the diagnosis.” So I started searching for places who diagnose autism in adults. Every one in my area had waiting lists for years so I started looking further out. In the end I was lucky and found a place in a city I could reach by train (I can’t drive) where I had to wait only a month or so. The friendly psychologist there told me after a few minutes that she was reasonably sure I was autistic and had ADHD but that we still needed to do all the tests just to be sure. We did all the tests and it was confirmed.
I met several autistic folk over my life and each and every one of them suggested I might be autistic. Then my nephew got diagnosed with autism. Then my mom started thinking back on all the social and emotional issues that were brushed off by medical people when I was a child. Then I got an in depth psychological evaluation, and surprise surprise! Autism. Explained a lot…
Long story that played out over months… Went to the doctors with depressive episode. Got diagnosed burnout. But from what??? So… I dug into researching psychology. Turns out, I inherited the family 'tism and could trace anecdotal evidence back 4 generations. Nobody ever bothered to investigate before. Presented my findings to my therapist and her reaction after listening to it all was (paraphrasing) “You didn’t KNOW?”.
So, yeah… No ‘officially on paper’ official diagnosis yet. I don’t plan on getting one, because it turns out, the main cause of my problems isn’t Autism, it’s ADHD on top (that one got official a few months later), but now I am doing better with that under control and unlearning all the masking I did.
Yesss! I didn’t realize how much ADHD was affecting me until I got medicated. It became a whole new world. I’m happy you’re doing better with it under control.
I didn’t know my mother, and my father was classic Narcissist PD. When I looked into my family history, the only telling thing I could find was that my mother smoked cigarettes throughout the entire pregnancy.
A Healthygamer.gg video talked about the overlap of transgender and autism and that was when I was able to accept I (probably) have autism, and soon thereafter fullt accepted myself as trans female rather than a less extreme version of trans.
That sounds like a cool and unique path! Did you learn anything else about transgender and autism??
I learned a lot about transgender stuff by reading online. The Null HypotheCis, and the make me a woman button page, and other blog posts. I spent a lot of time reading r/nonbinary, r/agender, r/adrogynous etc. And eventually realized I’d be okay with, nay, want to be female.
Egg_irl, Unix_socks and reading r/femboys and seeing their profiles often said they are transfems rather than feminine males were also very helpful! I relate to almost ALL egg memes. Ive been repping so long that I’ve just tried everything. Folk pop, 100 gecs, MMOs, Arch Linux, the list goes on and on.
On autism, I found a channel called No Boilerplate who talks about Rust programming but also talks about how he copes with autism and even just regular adult issues. I watched videos about masking vs. Not masking…
And HealthyGamer.gg has many videos that can be helpful to the neurodivergent and trans reppers without ever breaking the prime directive. “Burnt out gifted kids”, “wasting life on video games”, and other stuff.
My therapist did unofficially diagnose me autistic and then trans, but I did the work of self-acceptance alone. The key takeaway from therapy was learning which mindfulness techniques actually worked for me. And most of my therapy was over the phone wearing headphones, with only two of our sessions being in person.
Thanks for asking!
The realisation came slowly over a period of ten years. I now believe both parents are on the spectrum and that surely contributed to normalisation of the behaviours during childhood. The earliest clues came from reading message boards, forums and web pages of the early internet. People described their symptoms and it chimed. I had always puzzled over my parents obsessive tendencies. My mother with numbers and patterns, being highly sensitive in some ways and completely deficient in others. My father’s facility with logic and technical problems, his rages and oppositional defiance.
Growing up I thought everyone was like this but places like school terrified me, the noise and clamour was awful. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I was baffled by school and did nothing there, my personal projects were where I did all my learning. Machines made much more sense to me than the people around me.
It was the drug addictions that really pushed me to consider that there was something different about my experience. I was always trying to bend my conception of reality with the evidence around me. I became an expert of my own mental health while I studied the various disorders described in the DSM. That’s what finally convinced me but I didn’t seek a formal diagnosis, there’s no point now. Maybe it’s not even autism, that would be a good one.
It was the drug addictions that really pushed me to consider that there was something different about my experience.
Yes! I’ve read that autistic and ADHD people are more likely to self-medicate using drugs. For me, alcohol was amazing. It would dull my senses and slow my brain down enough to be able to focus on the immediate world around me and focus. I’m happy that you took that experience as a learning moment to figure things out. The way I see it, we’re not drug abusers. We’re trying to cope in a world that is not considerate of our needs and then blames us for the difficulties we have. It can be pretty alienating. In the words of my favorite English musician, “I’ve always felt so fucking detached, and broken, bruised, and mismatched. Find it hard to relax. Living under the cracks. Trying to fill in the gaps. Lying here on my back. Still, I can’t find a sense of peace in my mind, declined it. Pulse increased and my sweat combines with a feeling so deep I fall inside it.” The song is Depression by Ren.
That’s what finally convinced me but I didn’t seek a formal diagnosis, there’s no point now. Maybe it’s not even autism, that would be a good one.
If you have doubt, then it might be worth it to clear it up and potentially access relevant services. Otherwise, if you don’t already, you can try applying techniques that help autistic people and see if that makes significant improvements in your life.
I met an autistic woman (same age, late 40’s) and watched the Chris Packham documentary. I then began to research heavily into my new (special) interest, read how women present differently than men, did a few of those online tests, and then went to my GP to ask for a referral, which led to my official diagnosis
I think that I’ve always felt ‘other’ and never fitted in despite trying (masking) and also the fact that everyone I’ve run into conflict with has always said my communication (verbal) is poor, and that socially I’m either a bit ‘weird’ or introvert/loner etc, but also I don’t really want to fit into the ‘norm’ because it feels fake, and stupid, and I feel like an alien anyway
Since then, I realise that my dad is definitely autistic (loves trains and his interests haven’t changed since he was a child), friends I have/had, as well as the people I gravitate towards are also probably autistic. I’m fairly certain my boyfriend is (he is also convinced), and I look at my mother and also wonder…hmmmm
Every difficulty I’ve ever had including anxiety, problems interacting with others, depression, general stubbornness, weird moodiness that comes on for ‘no reason’ (basically misinterpreted sensory overload causing shutdowns/meltdowns), being bullied at every educational level plus work is me trying to mask my autism and fit in, while failing miserably…
It was a huge relief to read about autism in women, and know that ‘these are my people’ and I’m actually a just an autistic person :)
I also want to add, this is my first interaction with this community, although I’ve really enjoyed all the memes, some had me laughing my head off. I used to lurk and occasionally comment on some of the female autism subs on reddit, so I’m glad this place exists here, it’s got a good vibe!
I was really starting to notice how much I identified with issues and problems and just the general way of being other people with ADHD and autism describe it, so went to the doctor to find out. Was diagnosed with ADHD and BPD, and given a referral for further testing for autism and other issues, but my appointments kept getting pushed back for that until I eventually gave up on it and am now seeking a different doctor that takes my insurance, because there’s a good chance I am actually on the spectrum.
I thought I was BPD too! I asked a relationship therapist after she had known me for ~3 months, and she opposed that I was BPD. Then, I asked my psychologist friends that had known me for ~7 years if I was BPD, which they emphatically opposed as well. Apparently, we can have wild mood swings that can appear to be BPD to a clinician that is not properly trained or has some countertransference/projection issues.
I hope it works out with the new clinician and you get a proper evaluation.
I didn’t even know about BPD until I was given my diagnosis. It explains a lot about my relationships tho. I either worship the ground you walk on or wish you were dead and struggle to maintain stable feelings.
My life and health fell apart and autism explains it better than a thing else after other explanations were ruled out by doctors. Then I took a diagnostic test and felt more comfortable assuming autism explained it. I was actually shocked by the results and how high I scored.
Technically not confirmed ™. Never been assessed by a pro though pros have said I am divergent or whatever back before I suspected, and frankly I don’t have the time or resources to spend on doctor visits and I just don’t actually believe a doctor assessment will actually improve my life. I’ll just be more resentful that my personal failures are inevitable if doctors agree. Also I feel like I would just get worse, and become more reliant on people and that makes me feel incredibly guilty
My life and health fell apart
I’m sorry you went or are still going through such difficulty. I went through a really tough patch in my life recently, which is how ended up finding out as well, and I’m still pulling out of it, though I’m doing much better now. I hope things get much better for you.
I’ll just be more resentful that my personal failures are inevitable if doctors agree. Also I feel like I would just get worse, and become more reliant on people and that makes me feel incredibly guilty
It doesn’t necessarily have to workout that way. I started seeing an autism therapist, and she has been helpful in ways I never expected. We’re currently working on ways to make my days more enjoyable, less stressful, and re-engaging with social life, but the suggestions are things I wouldn’t have thought of. It might be worth seeking specialized care, but of course, your situation could be very different from mine.
