I’ve seen this more in the last decade or so, someone experiences a moderate amount of distress and then expects to get a free pass on any kind of toxic behavior that they can link to it. I’m assuming some types of counselors are promoting this as a twisted “hurt people hurt people” sort of thing and I’ve helped these sorts of folks until the compassion fatigue really sets in and I realize it’s dragging me down, having real negative effects on my own well being.
So, lately out of self preservation I’m immediately suspicious of people who put their own trauma first in the interpersonal realm, like it’s the first thing you know about them. I’m not sure there are healthy environments where everyone enthusastically shares their trauma and uses it to bond over, although I feel like that concept has been promoted in some trendy pop psych circles. Heck, I see a sign on a church near me that they have a weekly “grief share” session. Sounds horrible and like a speedrun to burnout.
Am I out of line in my thinking about this? Generally I value community building and being compassionate but that sort of thing really has been getting my goat lately.
I think many behaviors are being conflated here: externalizing behavior vs internalizing behavior. People may react to the post with a notable experience from one of those.
E.g., if someone was recently chewed out by a Chad or Karen because some unknown events activated their externalizing survival strategies, it’s more difficult to feel compassion for them – and easier to dislike the post. OTOH, there can be people who self isolate and withhold their preferences to avoid activating events, because they tend to internalize negative emotions.
I don’t think the post is encouraging us to enable bad behavior, but reflect on others’ experiences. I can feel compassion for people in my life who have been hurtful to me, but simultaneously not want to interact with them to protect myself.
I think there are two ways of reading the claim that a traumatized person can’t be responsible for other peoples’ comfort. The first is reasonable: nobody is really responsible for anyone else’s comfort. We have to take care of ourselves at the end of the day, so mentally healthy people especially shouldn’t rely on traumatized people to make them comfortable.
The second is unreasonable: traumatized people, more than anyone, have no obligation to do the basic things that make other people comfortable, in virtue of their trauma.
I think the post just makes it sound a little too much like the second interpretation, because otherwise why focus on traumatized people in the first place? I think that’s what’s getting under most peoples’ skin.
I’m still trying to get a hold of my feelings about it but I think it’s more that some people treat their own trauma as a kind of privilege, like it excuses how they might treat others. I’ve had enough experiences with friends, coworkers and customers being careless or hurtful and imo it’s an uncomfortable truth that traumatized people can be harmful if they haven’t learned effective coping strategies for their own trauma.
I hate engaging in that kind of social triage though and there are a large, increasing number of traumatized people in the world, and it’s hard to access the kind of care that would help someone move past maladaptive behaviors that harm others as the result of their trauma.
For myself, at the moment, I will be maintaining boundaries and trying to avoid traumatized people in general, so as to not become more traumatized myself. This is the opposite of how I’ve previously engaged with people too, I’m consciously trying another strategy. Also apologies for being vague but I think it applies to a lot of situations.
I’ve seen this more in the last decade or so, someone experiences a moderate amount of distress and then expects to get a free pass on any kind of toxic behavior that they can link to it. I’m assuming some types of counselors are promoting this as a twisted “hurt people hurt people” sort of thing and I’ve helped these sorts of folks until the compassion fatigue really sets in and I realize it’s dragging me down, having real negative effects on my own well being.
So, lately out of self preservation I’m immediately suspicious of people who put their own trauma first in the interpersonal realm, like it’s the first thing you know about them. I’m not sure there are healthy environments where everyone enthusastically shares their trauma and uses it to bond over, although I feel like that concept has been promoted in some trendy pop psych circles. Heck, I see a sign on a church near me that they have a weekly “grief share” session. Sounds horrible and like a speedrun to burnout.
Am I out of line in my thinking about this? Generally I value community building and being compassionate but that sort of thing really has been getting my goat lately.
I think many behaviors are being conflated here: externalizing behavior vs internalizing behavior. People may react to the post with a notable experience from one of those.
E.g., if someone was recently chewed out by a Chad or Karen because some unknown events activated their externalizing survival strategies, it’s more difficult to feel compassion for them – and easier to dislike the post. OTOH, there can be people who self isolate and withhold their preferences to avoid activating events, because they tend to internalize negative emotions.
I don’t think the post is encouraging us to enable bad behavior, but reflect on others’ experiences. I can feel compassion for people in my life who have been hurtful to me, but simultaneously not want to interact with them to protect myself.
I think there are two ways of reading the claim that a traumatized person can’t be responsible for other peoples’ comfort. The first is reasonable: nobody is really responsible for anyone else’s comfort. We have to take care of ourselves at the end of the day, so mentally healthy people especially shouldn’t rely on traumatized people to make them comfortable.
The second is unreasonable: traumatized people, more than anyone, have no obligation to do the basic things that make other people comfortable, in virtue of their trauma.
I think the post just makes it sound a little too much like the second interpretation, because otherwise why focus on traumatized people in the first place? I think that’s what’s getting under most peoples’ skin.
I’m still trying to get a hold of my feelings about it but I think it’s more that some people treat their own trauma as a kind of privilege, like it excuses how they might treat others. I’ve had enough experiences with friends, coworkers and customers being careless or hurtful and imo it’s an uncomfortable truth that traumatized people can be harmful if they haven’t learned effective coping strategies for their own trauma.
I hate engaging in that kind of social triage though and there are a large, increasing number of traumatized people in the world, and it’s hard to access the kind of care that would help someone move past maladaptive behaviors that harm others as the result of their trauma.
For myself, at the moment, I will be maintaining boundaries and trying to avoid traumatized people in general, so as to not become more traumatized myself. This is the opposite of how I’ve previously engaged with people too, I’m consciously trying another strategy. Also apologies for being vague but I think it applies to a lot of situations.