When those services are the only place with a license to provide the content you want, and your choice is to either suck it up and deal with their enshittification, or pirate the media you want… guess which option is the preferred choice?
Thinking in terms of words and sentences always felt really slow and tiring, so I took the “picture is worth 1,000 words” metaphor literally and just visualize thoughts instead of using words. I could spend a few seconds/minutes piecing together a scene or conversation with words, or I could just instantly see it in my mind and have an innate understanding of the concept or situation, almost immediately.
Of course, this makes it harder for me to communicate verbally (especially since I’m an introvert), so I’ve had to spend years practicing conversations out loud. And since I think in terms of images, I’m basically translating visuals to words every time I open my mouth. So I can be a bit awkward and fumble over words sometimes. I spent a lot of my youth just lost in my own head, because dealing with the real world was like trying to translate a foreign language in real time. It was exhausting, so I was just the quiet kid growing up. Kept to myself, for the most part, and just absorbed information about my surroundings.
In the novel Hannibal Rising, they explain Lector Hannibal’s brilliant mind as a sort of visual hallway, with many rooms branching off of it. Any time he needs information, he takes a mental stroll down the hall and into the various rooms, where he’s filed away all sorts of knowledge. It’s how he can recollect fine details about almost everything he’s exposed to; he visualizes filing it away in a particular room in his mind, so he can go back to retrieve it anytime he wants.
I always loved that concept of a visual recollection, but I feel it’s too complicated a visual for myself in particular. It takes time to take that mental stroll down a hallway and go through files in my mind, so I keep it simpler and try to just jump right to the visual I need. If I can’t find it, then I can’t find it. Trying to keep mental files of everything just seems like way too much work for me, even if it would work as a shortcut to memory recollection.
When puberty first struck me (about 25 years ago now), I found myself in a strange battle for control over my mind. I felt split in two directions: my intellectual side, which I felt was my true self. And my instinctual self; the impulses that tried to betray the strict moral compass I had in place. Almost a sort of Jekyll and Hyde thing, now that I think about it.
I actually had a mini-struggle with this concept of a mental “self” when I was in elementary school. I was obsessive about details and had to do things in a particularly structured way. But I noticed that my peers were very lax about details and just did the bare minimum to accomplish tasks, sometimes very messily. It bothered me, and I spent several weeks agonizing over whether I should relinquish control and just be a messy, disorganized person like my peers, or if I should keep suffering under my mental structure and discipline. I didn’t want to stop hyperfixating on minor details, but I felt like life would be less stressful if I could just give up trying and go with the flow. Little did I know I was already suffering from ADHD, even way back then. I wasn’t even diagnosed until I was 37 years old.
But as I started to mature both physically and mentally, that split between being “normal” and being “organized” became my instinctual and intellectual sides, and I spent many years fighting to hold true to my morals and personal beliefs. ADHD won in the end, and I refused to give in to my instinctual impulses all my life. And the older I get, the easier it is. As my hormones and testosterone cool off with age, I get less impulsive drives. I’m more careful and more patient, with less effort.
In regards to OP’s mental “depths”… I don’t like to avoid topics just because they give me a negative vibe or emotion. I’m a realist, and I’ve always wanted to understand the world I live in, including the good and bad. I don’t want to trick myself into a false understanding of the world; I want to see it as it truly is, so there’s no misunderstanding a situation I find myself in.
So unlike OP, who has layers of their mind where they tuck away negative thoughts, I prefer to process and deal with them up front, come to some level of understanding, and then file them away. Once I’ve processed it, then it doesn’t hurt me as much in the future and I’m able to deal with it in the moment without freezing up or suffering from emotional reactions when I least expect it.
It makes me more adept at handling real-world situations as they come at me. Which was really handy when I served in the US military. When you’re being attacked by an enemy force, you don’t have time to be horrified at the carnage around you; you need to be present in the moment and focused on the next step to survival. If something truly shocking happens, I can set that thought aside while I focus on what needs to be accomplished first. Once everything’s said and done, then I can sit down and process that shocking situation I dealt with.
TL;DR - I visualize thoughts instead of speaking or forming words in my head, because it’s much faster. Also, my ADHD mind is a battlefield, wrestling for organization over impulses. ALSO also, I’m a realist who prefers to process everything up front, good and bad, instead of just tucking away negative thoughts and emotions and not dealing with them.
I tried the smoothies route once, about 2 years ago. I bought a Ninja blender, so I could make a personal smoothie to-go and not have to clean up a separate blender every time I made it.
Turns out I suck at making smoothies. I thought it’d be simple. Just throw some frozen fruits in a blender, along with some ice and a liquid like milk or something to help it mix. But that was horribly bland. I tested a bunch of other recipes online that also mixed in kale, honey, flavored protein powders, and/or other ingredients and they also came out weird.
I eventually found one recipe I liked that a friend recommended. But by that point, I was kind of burnt out by the whole thing. I only found one good recipe overall, and hunting online to test more recipes was getting to be a chore. This was supposed to be quick and easy! And now it’s consuming too much of my time, just trying to figure it out.
So… my blender has been collecting dust in my kitchen for the past couple years now.
I was referring to PlexAmp. It’s decent, works well, but I just liked the interface for Symfonium better. It seemed more functional than PlexAmp when I switched over to it.
I actually haven’t used PlexAmp in a few years, so maybe it’s gotten better lately. I guess I’ll have to compare apps.
I’ve been maintaining a self-hosted music library for so long (30+ years now), there used to not be any tools for editing metadata. I used to have to go into file properties and manually edit the data for each individual MP3 file. Nowadays, I use Mp3tag to manually edit entire albums at a time. I have ADHD though (the hyperfixation kind), so I’ve literally dedicated thousands of hours to manually fixing metadata.
I guess I never bothered to look for more advanced tools to auto-update metadata. I had to go in and manually fix stuff that updated automatically from the Internet in the past, so I guess I stopped trusting online databases. But they’ve really advanced since the last time I went searching for tools, and their databases are a lot more complete in this day and age. I’m gonna play around with some of these programs and see how well they work.
I host my music library through Plex, then use Symfonium on my phone if I want to stream my Plex music remotely, just because I like their interface a little better than Plex’s.
I served in the US Air Force for 20 years. You aren’t eligible for service with an ADHD diagnosis, but if you’re diagnosed after serving - and it’s not negatively affecting your job - you can contribute to serve.
I had suspected for many years that I had ADHD to some degree, and I decided to get an official diagnosis in my last year of service. The military doctors, of course, said there was no way I had it. After all, I had served almost 2 decades without any issues. But I insisted, so I got a referral to a civilian ADHD specialist for a diagnosis.
The specialist said I had one of the worst cases of ADHD she’d seen in her 11 years as a doctor.
It was recommended I get medication for it. But I have the hyperfocus type of ADHD and it actually made me very productive at work. While other people would get burnt out from staring at their computer screen all day, I could sit still and do menial, repetitive tasks without rest. I was highly efficient at work and rarely missed details.
I feel like medication would make me “normal,” and then I wouldn’t be very good at my job. So I’ve opted to stay unmedicated. But I’m glad I’m diagnosed, because it helps me to understand certain behaviors I have, and it’s good for my medical history. When I stress out and bury myself in work instead of tackling my problems, I know it’s because of ADHD and I could resolve it with medication if I needed to. It’s not just a personality quirk for me to overcome.
Same here. I have ADHD and never hear the lyrics to songs. My wife is always making me replay songs so she can explain the significance of the words to me. I just like the tune.
Same here. I was diagnosed at 38 and it was a relief. My whole life, I just thought I was quirky or something. I couldn’t understand why no one else thought the same way I do, bouncing between 5-6 independent discussions constantly rattling around in my brain at any given moment. Or why people didn’t have to mentally prepare and practice for routines in advance before everything they did. Or why they couldn’t focus solely on a task until it was 100% complete. (I have the hyperfocus type of ADHD, where nothing else appears to exist around me until my main task is completed)
Being able to put a definitive label to my “personality” helped me to understand my quirks and odd behaviors, and adjust to make myself more productive in my life and better at communicating with others. It was a relief to be able to finally know what’s going on with me and have options to improve myself.
In the end, I chose not to be medicated because my type of ADHD makes me highly productive. I’m afraid medication will just cloud my mind and make me only focus on one thing at a time instead of mentally multitasking. But knowing that I have ADHD makes me hypervigilant to my quirks and helps to ground me and pull me back when I notice I’m starting to lose myself in a project or discussion.