decent? Somewhat repairable, sd card support, audio jack, and relatively easy to install a mature, non-Google firmware/os on, in the USA?

Sadly no, you can get close but it’s either some or none of those features

If they can bill it they can show it

Laptop of Theseus? Is the laptop the shell or is it it’s motherboard?

But only of himself deepfaked on other pornstars, he is in love with himself enough to do that.