Hey.

The treatment gauntlet is brutal. I’ve done illegal drugs before, but now I just microdose mushrooms in addition to my prescribed stims, which were legal the last place I lived, where my psyche knew about and okay’d it, but not here. They wanted me to come to the hospital daily to get my meds and take weekly piss tests. I average about one alcoholic drink a week, so it’s fucking ridiculous knowing people who get wasted three times a week who have no problems getting meds.

It’s hard to get help because medical doctors are just people who won the birth lottery for financial stability and they’re skilled at rote memorization. They don’t have to be smart or better than average at their jobs.

Read every page to a different animal in different setting.

I’m in therapy as well.

Have you covered CBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? If so and those thing didn’t work to your satisfaction, have you tried EMDR?

I occasionally pull up CBT worksheets online, they’re easy to look for, when I’m having intrusive thoughts. I find them helpful with changing my point of view, particularly the ones with visualization. I recommend this as a low-barrier way for anyone to deal with spiraling.

DBT programs are helpful for people with BPD. They’re long term so you can build healthier thought patterns over a period of time. Since it takes a while to build habits. If you have a doctor or therapist already, or a local mental health initiative, they might have programs available to join. Where I live they’re free.

EMDR in therapy was very effective for me in reworking deep-rooted memories of shame and self-hate. Unfortunately that requires having a therapist you already have a good relationship with, and you might have to pay.