I like to recite grammar rules or language facts to myself when I’m feeling stressed out, almost like a form of meditation.

I think school/work days would be shorter and more intense. Small talk and chit chat would not be an integrated part of a work/school day, but instead something that happened before or after school/work if you wanted to. A meeting wouldn’t start with 10 minutes of “how have you been?” or random jokes, but instead jump right into business. Working from home would also be more common.

Having a niche hobby or working with something niche would be way more common, and hobbies would be viewed as more important than they are today. People without any hobbies or interests would be viewed as really weird.

Practical and comfortable clothes would also be more common, and fashion would be more erratic/varied. Pop culture would be less of a thing.

I think some people’s self-worth relies on them being “good”/right/perfect, so they can’t apologize without also hurting themselves. I don’t really get it either, because in my experience being able to apologize when you need to, is a huge strength. People will overlook almost any mistake you’ve made when they know that you feel bad about it, instead of having it turn into an useless conflict.

Even if you don’t feel like apologizing surely you can say “I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’ll try not to do it again” or even “I didn’t mean to hurt you but I don’t really care about your feelings/I think you’re being unreasonable” so you know where they stand.

I’m in a somewhat similar situation. My upbringing has been very atypical and somewhat traumatizing, and I am fairly certain that both my mom and grandfather are autists. They haven’t been diagnosed and aren’t interested in getting one, but they fit the description almost to a T. There has been some talk about whether I have Aspergers as well, but it has never been confirmed or denied and at this point I think it would be difficult for even an expert to say for sure, because everything has been so mixed together into a big ball of dysfunction. I think if I had been a boy who liked trains instead of a girl who liked horses, then maybe I would have gotten a diagnosis as a child.

I have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter if I fall outside or inside the spectrum. I have another diagnosis that I could use to get accommodations, if there were any available, and I don’t feel the need to declare myself an autist. I am just quietly and privately trying out this explanation (being autistic) and the tools that come with it. If it helps me, that’s great, even if I fall outside the spectrum. If it doesn’t, then there really isn’t any harm done.

I wasn’t socialized as a child either, and one of my big issues have always been that I don’t feel like I really get it, I spend way too much energy on it and I am, for a lack of better word, always masking. Even when I’m alone, I pretend that someone is watching me and I try to figure out if whatever I’m doing is normal/okay. After I had the realization that I might actually be autistic, I have started practicing being myself when I am by myself.

I have also started being more mindful of not overstimulating myself. I can power through anything uncomfortable by dissociating, but I think it is really draining me. I learned to brush my teeth while dissociating, because it hurt. Now I can get up to brush my teeth, blink, and I’m back in the living room with clean teeth and no memory of brushing them. Obviously I still need to brush my teeth, but I have become more diligent about limiting uncomfortable sounds and smells.

Sorry for the long ramble.